Loner and My Son

OK it's late and I haven't written in a couple of days! I am back in Toronto. The weather is not as gloomy and that gets my spirits up. I spent most winter days in my rooms reading, homework, and watching TV. With sunny weather comes walking, biking, and being outside a lot.

Since first semester I like to consider myself "a rock, a island." I am a loner in a sense of it, except when it come to school. On days I am there and with clients I enjoy the presence of people and my classmates.

It's a strange feeling when you are surrounded by so many people, yet you know non of them. You are all humans but different by culture, speech, beliefs, and experiences. Many would say they don't like being surrounded by unknown people, but to me it is one of the safest feeling, beside being with my family. I don't have to express myself, my feeling, or my thoughts. I live close to people, yet live within my walls of skin. I make no one laugh, cry, mad, or angry. This may sound sad, but I have found it very interesting.

On a totally different message. I had a break through while at home for the two weeks. The break through came with my son. Since he was born I've always become easily frustrated with him. He loves to tease, make wierd noises, and just do things that make you go hun! Now that I type that, it does kind of sound like me, and that is probably why my frustration grows easily. But while at home something clicked, and a connection with Kaeden happened. I know that it happened on the day his sister went shopping, and I believe the exact moment was when his sister came home, put her clothes by the fire, and then I heard Livi say, "Don't touch it Kaeds." But instead of getting mad at him, I simply said to Livi that Kaeden was excited to see what you got, he is not trying to bother you. That was it! After that my frustration level dropped. I started to listen to him more and give him more attention than I had given him in the past. I also realized that I can be totally comfortable with him wanting to be with his mom and that this doesn't decrease my love for him, and or the amount of attention I should be giving him. He needs it, and I need it to. I also saw that I have been a little one sided, Ang always told me that Livi was not innocent when it came to pinching or teasing, but I never clued in until that night. Kaeden simply wanted to be with his sister and see what she got, she wanted nothing of this, and wanted him to leave her alone. It may sound weird but in this single moment something happened, and the bond with my son grew a lot closer, and stronger. This is not to say I will never get frustrated with him, but I will hopefully better understand him.